You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
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Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.