You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
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“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.