You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
You Might Also Like
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
groan^2
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.
It’s also raisin free.
And cake free.
OK it’s just rum
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.