You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
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JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Today the vet told me “you have a really good dog” and I said I know she’s perfect and holds my mental health on her little shoulders and she laughed nervously and said “oh no, that’s pretty heavy” and i was like damn dude, ok??? you can tell, huh? Alright calm down lol geez
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.