Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?

Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box

this meeting could have been a push down the stairs

I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.

well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)

cushion on the right slightly discoloured

Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.

Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.

A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch

The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?

god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]

Wins the Internet today. Night, all…

Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.

You gotta know when to tweet em

Know when to delete em

Know when to follow someone

Know when to run

all bases covered

I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”

If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents

Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”

Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name

~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare

“You make your own luck!”

– Lucky People

I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol

[after sex]
her: you were really loud

me: *putting down my trombone* yep

Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.

Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?

I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.

Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications

Me: *nodding* a curator

“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working

She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.

Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”

Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”

Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.