You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
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My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?