Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.

I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.

Friday night plans

*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac

I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.

[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]

Me: No

Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”

The Others (2001)

This why you should mind your business

roman: how will we know which one is jesus

judas: imma kiss him

roman: why

judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right

Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”

Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?

*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.

[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?

Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.

*puts on workout clothes*

*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*

“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]

#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this

Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.

I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.

I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time

I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spirit

seeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power

Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today

Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head

I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.

Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.

The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.

Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here

I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee

This is going to be a meme FOREVER:

“911, how may I help you?”

“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”

“Sir, this is for emergen–”

“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”

Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design

Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.

I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.