Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tissue boxes be like “Hey there’s only five tissues left in here so why don’t you just take them in a giant clump.”

Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herself

Punctuation, it’s THAT important!

I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.

My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”

Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?

Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?

“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils

My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.

Me: I really like her. What should I do?

Friend: Give her the time of day.

[Later]

Her: Hey.

Me: It’s 2 PM.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.

Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.

Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.

Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once

Doctor: do you exercise?

Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks

Doctor:

Me: cronchies

Doctor: I’m gonna put no

Me: ok

*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*

I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there

boss: david, you’re fired

me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂

I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too

My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.

How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me

I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed

I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.

Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear

Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree

If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips

Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza

I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes

Stephen King’s It is the bone chilling story about adults who are forced to spend time with their childhood friends.

[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]

What if you could just pretend to eat?