You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
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my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
termite twitter scares me
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Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
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Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
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Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Many hands make light work
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Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward