Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.

Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.

Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.

Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.

*implements margarita Tuesdays*

*takes the high road

*gets a DUI

M: *sweating*

Some Guy: You look hot.

M: *sweaty blushing* thank you

My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.

Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.

My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.

BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*

my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”

police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor

Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?

[first date]

him: I’m a cat person.

me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand

Anakin: I built my droid from scratch

Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life

Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol

ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed

COLLEAGUE: It’s not working

ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working

Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks

When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie

I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?

my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music

Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it

You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.

My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.

i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.

T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R

Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.

DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?

[pumpkin patch]

Cinderella: how many miles on this one?

Farmer: please stop kicking them

I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.

Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint