You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
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*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Like sleeping!
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.
(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)
(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)
(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)