You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
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Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist