“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
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As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
This is a bad sign
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.