Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.

As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.

“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards

Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.

You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.

I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.

I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion

Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.

Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.

Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess

“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.

Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?

[A few hours later]

Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*

Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.

Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding

My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back

20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles

Me: hey!

20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old

We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”

I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀

I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.

-The inventor of duct tape, probably

When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.

Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.

All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.

Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.

i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses

When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.

If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.

Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat

Both hands Mommy!

-my 4yo the backseat driver.

An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.

You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”