You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
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He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.