You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
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Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?
Me:
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings