You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
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Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
I wanna be friends with this person
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic