You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
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Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
In case you needed to hear it:
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Some people are so fake there lock screens don’t recognise them
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”