You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
You Might Also Like
If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids
If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady
If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch
Women can’t win
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
He doesn’t bite he is more into sabotage
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
dril cadence
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.