Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:

Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.

Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?

gf: we can’t have another pet

me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots

Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?

Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA

Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.

I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.

*I’ll show myself out*

Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.

Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.

Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.

My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.

My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.

My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?

Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-

6: Is that because you keep giving it away??

The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.

I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions

And send

ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years

Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.

the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions

[being stopped by the cops]

Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool

My new best friend: *clicky noises*

Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*

Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will

Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.

Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it

Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”

Suspect #1:

Suspect #2:

Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best

[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]

What do you mean isolated and unstable?

Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.

Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:

•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.

3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–

Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.

I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.

funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™

I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.