“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip
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That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Voting is the worst group project
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for
I wonder what happens when you stop chasing waterfalls and the waterfalls start chasing you?
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.