“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip
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Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner
Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck