“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip
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You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
set yourself free xox
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*