you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
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Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Why do cannibals never eat rich kids?
Because they’re spoiled
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!