Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams

She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She

Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.

Son: That wasn’t you

I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.

I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun

A wife is like a hand grenade.

Remove the ring, and your house is gone.

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.

Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.

I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes

My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…

and its a text from my wife:

Please bring the chips on your way back

Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home

Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.

Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it

Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?

Some people exercise every day.

I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.

Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?

The midwife: 😐

If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”

[cockroach crawls by]

Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?

*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*

Me: Not that one.

Martin Shkreli is in jail.

Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.

I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?

~ kid logic

‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’

~The monster under my bed

[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !

I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”

As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks

Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”

wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭

Satan: Welcome to Hell.

Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.

Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.

Me: Sonofa….

DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.

ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work

cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man

detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide

cop: I don’t get it

detective: bc you have no friends, neil

*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?