You shouldn’t have driven home from the bar last night.

Especially since you walked there.

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Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.


Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.


Wears a black shirt to a first dates house to see if shes lying about having cats


Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party

Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic


It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”


Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400


[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!

[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR

ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!