@Lanecat2

You shouldn’t have driven home from the bar last night.

Especially since you walked there.

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@OakHill_

– First day of College
– Dorm meeting

Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?

Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??

@Daveastated

Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.

Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?

Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.

@daemonic3

Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work

Cop2: Not a bit

Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in

Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD

[both get shot]

@jdstalnaked

Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”

Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*

@jimmytorosian

Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.

Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’

Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.

@TheWoodenslurpy

[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]

Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?

@BrettDruck

Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.

@werehedgehog

– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?

@LlamaInaTux

Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart

Me: it’s pandamonium!

Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]