You shouldn’t have driven home from the bar last night.

Especially since you walked there.

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Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.


I was a pizza delivery guy once, but only for a day. They gave me 12 pizzas to deliver and I just never came back.


I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that


I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.


Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.


Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?


wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off


People coming over.
Me: *tidies up*
Husband: *fires up the bbq*
Toddler: *removes all clothing*