The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
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British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.