you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested
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*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Stop making fast and furious movies.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
i’m sure it’s fine
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….