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If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
peep davidson
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
I got patted down by airport security.
Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.