You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
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“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval
just leave the danger noodle alone
sincerely,
a medical toxicologist
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
wife *finally falls asleep*
me *opens cupboard door* *every single fucking pot and pan falls out*
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
⛄️
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.