“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
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Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Good morning.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
barbara was highly relatable
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
