“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
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BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”