“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
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Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
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“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
wow he looks just like him
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Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course
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If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today