“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
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True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful🤝
Me : Disgrace😭
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
This was the best day of my life
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out