Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now

Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you

Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are

My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm

you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates

Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment

My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.

[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.

Harvey Dent:

my therapist gave me her cell phone number.

and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.

If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.

Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”

[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]

GIRL: I wanna marry you

BOY 1: 😲

BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: OH NO

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

Me: wanna play would you rather?

Her: sure

Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house

[gutter rattles in the backyard]

Her: *narrows eyes*

Me: Go wake up your mother.

Son: No way man…no way.

Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.

Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN

Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.

[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call

ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm

SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*

My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.

Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.

ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers

my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old

My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.

[Gender reveal party]

Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?

Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.

Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god

Plastic surgeon: We can help with-

Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement

every olympics i turn into this guy

I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”

WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.

THERAPIST: Is this true?

PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES