Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.

*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*

*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*

Corgi: why are my legs so short?

God: that’s just what legs look like.

Corgi: oh cool.

[giraffe walks by]

Corgi:

God: you weren’t supposed to see that.

*showing friend my new place*

Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?

This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet

Strange things: the prequel

Stranger things

2 Stranger 2 Things

Strangest Threengs

Strangfour th4ngs

5tranger Thing5

Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift

“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.

Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:

– Tweezers

Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”

Are you ok?

– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.

A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.

Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?

Me: Getting into my sports bra.

“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou

When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog

Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?

Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?

Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?

Me: Yeah no, that’s about it

Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….

A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.

My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.

I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18

[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]

i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket

Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???

The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.

Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n

I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents

Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”

I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.

I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.