Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.

If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.

Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.

Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.

How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker

50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.

50% is begging them to be quiet.

*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*

BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry

Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!

The Antics Roadshow

I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.

[Shark Tank]

INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?

ME: Yep

INVESTOR: And you call it the-

ME: The Bracho, yes

ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain

The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…

Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!

My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.

I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…

Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.

I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!

Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.

PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!

ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*

I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name

The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.

3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?

Me: What? I don’t know

3: Dadda get up, go find it

Me: …..

3: …..

Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?

3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!

Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.

Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….

me: how was your camping trip

5 y/o: good

me: what’d you guys do

5 y/o: camped

e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers

Skip intro

🤔😂😂