Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First time drinking whiskey.

Barman: And this one is 15 years old.

Me: Do you have any fresh ones?

Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen

I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.

My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”

I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.

[job interview]

Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.

The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot

If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school

The first step is admitting you have a problem. The second step is getting Vanilla Ice to solve it.

If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.

– birds

Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.

Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..

And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”

Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.

Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.

My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS

host: name a famous tattoo artist

me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin

Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.

Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?

Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.

You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.

I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.

{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.

*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*

[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?

Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry

I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.

*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy

[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE

Nobody ever told me that this was an option.

reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”

mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes