If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
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Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
It do be feeling this way.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
oh my god
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules