Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[having sex]

Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.

Her in her head: This could have been an email.

*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*

little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve

rich people: be like me, invest in stocks

also rich people: no not like that

A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.

ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink

OCTOPUS: Oh hey

tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.

I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose

Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.

Me: Absolutely. Email me?

I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.

Okay hear me out.

I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.

I’d marry me

Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.

why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford

Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.

Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.

Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.

My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth

We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict

My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.

My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.

Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”

Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..

My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags

[Tarot reading ends]

Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!

Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.

I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.

A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox

anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”

Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End