Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.

alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!

his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too

You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.

No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.

My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.

I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”

At my job interview today the Boss said,

“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”

So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”

Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!

ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.

My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison

I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.

If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet

Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.

Batman: We also poop.

CG: We?

B: They. I mean they

My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16

Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.

Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )

Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”

Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?

a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition

I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.

*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00

Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.

A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.

“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”

Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.

Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby

#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff

16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.

When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.

The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.

Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat

When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.

Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.