Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Baby are you mad?

Me:
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No, why?

I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon

my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp

Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃

“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”

Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.

New favorite tiktok

*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers

I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”

My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.

Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?

to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain

Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?

That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.

about to have the best blueberries of my life

I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬

All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.

That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.

me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me

murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction

6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?

Me: Yes.

6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.

*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*

*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*

Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things

[Controversial and unpopular statement]

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola

I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.

Business is booming.

Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms

DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way

ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys

Homeschooling, day 8:

People do this willingly?

me: there’s a bunch of cars following us

date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster