Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.

Leonardo DiCaprisun

My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.

I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out

[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?

ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*

Always give 100%

unless you’re donating blood.

Please please please please please please please…

-me, flushing someone else’s toilet

When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.

The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.

Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?

I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.

Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration

Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle

Me: omg they’re perfect

Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!

Me: haha and what does she do

Pixar:

Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure

noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”

My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors

why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce

Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.

Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.

I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.

New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75

Never talking to anyone:

Priceless.

Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls

Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”

Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease

professor x: tell me more, tell me more

Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper

I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.

Ffs 🤦‍♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again

[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]

[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”

VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”

ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes