Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.

Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter

No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.

You are a psycho with mascara.

ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no

Them: Holy shit. How high are you?

Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.

Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.

Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?

Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.

My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today

WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”

[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?

son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?

me: I used to, but not anymore

[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!

[group therapy]

me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?

voldemort: uhh no

joker: yikes

darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you

[First ever date]

ME: I just didn’t feel a spark

CAVEWOMAN: a what?

If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?

“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN

When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics

[post-abduction]

ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm

ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?

ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one

My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.

*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD

my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated

Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you

Spider:

[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe

[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die

me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.

therapist: no.

I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.

At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.

Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??

Starbucks employee:

Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?

My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.

Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.

*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*

I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.