You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
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And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Whisper out to librarians!
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.