You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
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Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
why is everyone yelling about nude ears
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”
*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.