“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
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If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
