“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
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*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.