Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”

Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.

a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole

How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?

Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.

“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road

My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.

[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!

The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed

There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx

Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.

“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”

i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it

Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain

My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.

the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.

According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.

[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]

wife: how did the interview go?!

me: terrible

wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?

me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster

Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.

Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!

I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.

Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.

8-year-old: Who’s coming over?

Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.

8: But we already know we live like this.

Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.

Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.

[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]

Ahhhh, there it is…

Wife: Get off of me!!

I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.

my brain: i hate that person

that person: hey that thing you wrote was great

my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities

I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets