You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
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When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.