Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.

God: yes.

Gorilla: I have no natural predators.

God: yes.

Gorilla: I literally live here.

God: yes.

Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?

God: exactly.

Gorilla: who is?

God: it’s kind of hard to explain-

Lion: did you tell him yet?

Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love

Girl: ew I don’t want this

Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it

Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross

Van Gogh: I love you too

I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.

WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break

My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.

Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.

*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.

My body is a temple

for potatoes.

Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football

I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.

*Rap battle*

Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.

ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked

cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could

grotesque if literal: baby food

Me: we need to pick 9 up from school

4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today

you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van

In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes

Review for this new shatter I just tried:

Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.

First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.

REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.

Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help

I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….

[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.

FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!

ABE LINCOLN: is that good

How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple

Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy

Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding

Me: I- I gotta know

Cashier: know what?

Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.

scan me

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself

AND

When a women asks if you notice anything different

Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy

I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer