Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.

Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.

Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up

8: [gives dog good morning kisses]

wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!

8: the dog’s cute

me: everybody run

dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”

Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS

[First day of dropping kids off at school]

*Hugs and crying*

[2nd day]

“Get out!”

I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.

Years ago I went to a job placement agency.

I left disappointed.

Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.

Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*

Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*

Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.

*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so

I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult

Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”

Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.

Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?

Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.

According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.

Labreador

My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate

me: *using chocolate coins as currency*

clerk: those are not legal tender

me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth

restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”

ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid

Alien: did you just call me daddy

Me: I don’t get probed much

Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”

8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this

[looking at photo album]

Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy

Son: Why is your hair spiky…

Daughter: …and long in the back?