Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.

*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm

Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed

Me: by Spider-Man?

Wife: his head just spun around

Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man

Me: Do your chores.

9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!

Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.

9: I didn’t know they would follow me.

People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.

Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?

Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.

Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.

Me:

Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.

*5 minutes later*

Okay I’m gonna need that back

Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.

Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.

I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.

we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.

Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.

I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”

It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza

Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!

Me: Choose how you want to die.

me: i’d like to go to this place

google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking

me: no i’m driv-

google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes

When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was

Will you be my 14th most used emoji?

Whiskey, tango, french fry…?

Yeah, I think that’s right.

statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents

*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”

Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”

Pete: I’m Pete

Peter: I’m Peter

Me, competitive: I’m Petest

Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.

I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.

When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice

A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend

I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.

Study: People with children live longer.

People with children: Shit.