(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
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i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Yoga Matt
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?