Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What I said: it’s bedtime

What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime

If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.

I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.

Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.

I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”

I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.

Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded

Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?

This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.

Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.

If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either

(Business)

Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.

Bob: I have a better idea.

RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed

Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?

Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.

I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.

*ad for swiss army knife*

Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?

My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.

I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.

if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?

I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.

The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.

“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.

She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.

Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.

I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.

You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”

if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?

Me: what do want for your birthday

Friend: just a gift card or some shit

Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it

ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?

unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?

dm celine dion, please.

I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.