You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?
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My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet