You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?
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2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Being alone at Christmas can be challenging. People keep inviting you to things so you have to be very firm.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics