You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?
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Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
I came this close!!!!
I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost
I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Me: This escape room sucks
My boss: This is a budget meeting…
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
me: *drops banger tweet
them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers
me: *drops another tweet
them: oh, I see
[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect