Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep

Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.

Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.

The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.

Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.

My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash

Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.

My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt

When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.

Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.

If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.

You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.

This was the best day of my life

something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean

Fellow senior citizens:

If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.

You don’t need to push your lifealert button.

Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know

Me: Oh yes! I do know them!

Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂

Me: oh God no

The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order

Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.

[When I offer my kid a new food]

Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?

[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]

Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT

Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes

Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.

winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look

i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake

There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.

I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!

Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off

Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners

[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir

BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD

Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special

Husband: Deal

What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.

Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.

I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.