Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.

My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.

her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where

me: [under breath] whereapist

I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over

6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.

“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!

*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*

-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?

I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see

i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

Me: I’m cutting back on wine!

Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .

[1st date]

WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?

HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*

DRACULA: *just glares at her*

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

WANTED: Sanity

LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy

REWARD: 4 year old

That’s amazing.

*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?

As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”

I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”

Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back

so I asked him to move.

Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.

Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.

Me: one taco without strawberries

Taco Bell guy: strawberries?

Me: no thank you

Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.

What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?

Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.

“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”

If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question

* asks plastic surgeon

” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”

Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.

Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.

PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.

*Shakespeare resetting his password*

“Enter new password.”

Fortnight

“Your password is two weeks.”