you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”
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friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
The little toadstool has spoken.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Thursday
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.