Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*

I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go

*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me

nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.

Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-

Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8

Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.

Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha

Me: I don’t get it

Early bird: I do

[kid, about to do something stupid]

ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.

Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”

GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE

I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.

You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan

Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”

AI results, “Remove leg”

I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.

TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:

5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.

Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.

I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.

I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.

hey can I use your bathroom?

cashier: only paying customers

jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-

Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.

After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.

At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.

Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!

Female reproductive system: Hold my beer

Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?

We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.

Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….

The thief is spending less
than my wife did.

DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.

PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}

DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.

me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY

me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying