Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Throws caution to the wind*

*gets covered in caution*

[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers

My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.

Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.

Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours

cats:

If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.

Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.

when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”

when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”

I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.

#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor

[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]

“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”

[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]

*posts Social Security number on social media*

*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*

Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.

*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*

We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.

After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.

“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.

Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?

Just me? 😬

I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.

A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.

“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”

me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it

[In the middle of nowhere]

4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”

… yes

“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”

…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt

Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart

Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.

I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving

I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.

My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.

Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING

Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”

*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead

I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.