You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
You Might Also Like
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Judge: Let’s start the spelling bee. Your word is “mitosis.”
Student: Would you use it in a sentence?
Judge: “When my sister asked if any part of my foot hurt, I said mitosis.”
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
rise and shine we got egg
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
#inspiration #foodforthought
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.