Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.

Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?

Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…

Me: I thought you were going to read.

10-year-old: I am.

Me: You’re watching a movie.

10: I got it from the library.

Checkmate.

20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.

Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.

getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point

I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room

*gets left on read*

my brain:

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

me: “it was fun while it lasted”

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood

If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.

Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”

‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am

mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff

me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?

mom:

me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?

Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.

Dating:

“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”

Marriage:

“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”

White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.

If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.

🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet

I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.

[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]

Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?

*at a restaurant, eating burgers*

Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”

Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”

Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*

[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really

Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?

Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes

Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round

[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager

Me: *making a snow angel*

Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor

driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person

Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.

Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.

Garfield: I hate Mondays

Therapist: You don’t even have a job

[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]

Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!