Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover

Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.

Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.

Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.

I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”

[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.

And just like that, civilisation reached its limits

her: u excited for the next Star Wars?

me: [sweating] did we win the last one

Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.

Me: is everything ok you seem distant

Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars

[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair

IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.

Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.

No one told me my life would become so much googling it

So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child

Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.

Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.

When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all

Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”

If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.

therapist: why do you do that

me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me

Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much

me: how do you like the future?

lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car

me: what is it?

lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them

trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff

Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.

Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad

Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.

“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”

-Unorganized Crime

Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.

Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.