You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
You Might Also Like
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Do one person every day that scares you.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.