You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
You Might Also Like
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.