You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
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I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply
My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see