Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song

[police stakeout]

me: suspect spotted

partner: again, that’s a dalmation

Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars

[arguing with my wife]

WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH

My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.

Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.

[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE

My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix

Body: I’m sooooooo tired

Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES

I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.

I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.

Feeling a little sad…

…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.

Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”

[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body

[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood

[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.

Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you

Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”

Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy

Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.

Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head

Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”

[at the gym]

GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.

Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.

Cop: Stop playing the race card.

a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair

person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???

My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE

Dear waiter,

You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.

Love,
David

It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.

How’d you get a black eye?

Walked into a door.

[Later, another shiner]

More doors?

*nods*

One does not simply walk into more doors.

Me: I’m on a diet.

Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.

Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.