“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
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M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
reviewed some movies recently
I’ve been single for so long I can’t even spell relionchip now
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship