“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
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[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
I have a black belt in leather
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Happy Star Wars day!
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.