You sure about that?
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I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
there’s probably a fee though
Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Me: The doctor said that because of the anesthesia, I should just lay around all day reading and watching Saved by the Bell
TwinzerMom: Wasn’t it just a local anesthetic?
Me: I mean, I’m not the one with the medical degree, so who am I to question?
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.